I did not ask for this.

There are moments in life where you feel the whole world collapse and your heart along with it. Times when a sinking feeling becomes your worst nightmare, and the voice on the other end of the phone is drowned out by everything in your being that is screaming, NO! 

When Steve died unexpectedly, I know he was at peace with his life, and ready to go even. It doesn’t make it easier, but I guess knowing that somehow also brings me peace. Although he continued to show up for life after my mom’s passing, I know those two years had been hard. And no wonder. I can’t begin to imagine what it was like for him to miss his love and partner in life and to find himself alone in the home they had created together. Theirs was one of deep commitment to doing good in the world. They crafted, with unwavering care and commitment, a remarkable life centered around kindness, stewardship, connection, and creativity. Their spirited, playful, and adventurous 41-years of marriage, and even longer friendship, taught me that life is truly for the living.

I didn’t ask for this new responsibility to care for my childhood property, and I would give it back a hundred times to have them greet me in the driveway for a visit instead. But here we are, and I stand along with family and friends dear to them, to carry their legacy and values forward the best we can. Riachuelo, which was his name for the property, is an extension of them—now a  residency for artists and a place of hospitality and healing. I don’t know what I’m doing, really, but it feels right, and in a current of uncertainty, I bob along the surface with her smile urging me on, and his laugh in my heart. “You got this kiddo,” he says. “Today is a new day,” she pipes in. And I guess it is, and I guess I do.